I Didn't Ask For This

Negativity

When you're vulnerable, you don't make good decisions.  I can't pull the sex card and say it only applies to females.  It applies to everyone.  When you're vulnerable your judgement becomes cloudy and you make random decisions.  In this case, I chose to make a random text to whom I considered a best friend.  A simply "What'chew doing?  Let's hang." text that lead to a surprise pregnancy.  Not the best friend "soon-to-be-husband" not the "we've been dating a long time" best friend; no, he was considered a best friend.  


So, we hooked up and slept together that night.  Now, before I continue, please allow me to provide you with this lovely disclaimer: This isn't going to be one of those blogs where it's sugar coated and you have to read in between the lines and put it all together.  No ma'am and no sir.  This is going to be the naked truth...  Let's continue -- When it was over, I remember cringing.  I was so angry with myself.  I allowed my vulnerability get the best of me.  It's not an excuse, it's the truth.  At that time, I wanted to date and marry someone who didn't seemed to be interested in that idea; at least not with meWhy chase someone that doesn't want you?  Why continue to put yourself out there and he don't give a rats'end about you?  What made the situation even worse is that when it was over, there was no compassion.  There was no remorse with our friendship.  There was no pillow talk and holding each other.  "I'm sorry this happened, we need to be more careful."  NOTHING!  The sex was done and so was he.  I cleaned myself up and tried to get what was left of my thoughts together but I couldn't.  I felt nasty.  There wasn't nothing left to do, but wait for the rain to stop, jump in my car, and race home.


Time passed from that night and I tried my hardest to blocked it all out.  I prayed, cried, repented to God, and chose to move on.  Ladies, you know the routine, "It's all about Me, God, my dreams, and the reason why I came here to TX." (Side note: I relocated from KC to TX).  From what I thought was the flu and a late period came the news of my pregnancy.  Because I'm Christian, I immediately feared what the 'church' would think, what people would say, and most importantly how it would hurt my mother.  The weekend I found out, I cried long and hard.  I tried my hardest to pray it away, because, I felt like I failed my mission.  The entire reason for me relocating to TX was to further pursue my singing career (that sounds so corny, but unfortunately, its true).  So, what do I look like telling everyone it's all on hold because -- I'm pregnant.  And to add further complications,  I'm pregnant by my best friend... technically, I haven't known him that long, but, still we're really close... No we're not together... Just let me explain... NO ONE IS GOING TO WANT TO HEAR THAT LET ALONE UNDERSTAND!  Especially my mother!  But, I sucked it up, told her and slowly broke with news to everyone.


I Didn't Ask For This...  I use to hear people give their story and in the middle of it say, "I don't know and I don't understand what happened.  It's like, one day a switch went off and I didn't know this person anymore."  This is one of the "never's" I claimed I would never do.  I made a promise to myself that I would always see the signs, I would always be guarded, I would always be one step ahead of it all.  WRONG.  Literally -- the moment I told this dude I was pregnant, the switch clicked.  The sweet personality, the kind gestures, and the friendship I thought was there.  Correction -- the BEST friend/ship I thought was there?  Disappeared and this beast slowly showed it's face.  He started to pick random/dumb arguments with me about names, buying stuff, he felt like I was trying to control him and the unfortunate list goes on.  Please keep in mind, I was stressed at the idea of having a baby on my own, trying to find a permanent job (I was a temp), trying to build up my savings, figure out daycare, prepare myself for this little human growing on the inside of me, I didn't want THIS!  What kind of best friend is this?  Most importantly, why in the world am I tolerating this crap??? I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS!


I was stressed to the max.  I was trying my hardest to have a healthy pregnancy.  Think peaceful thoughts, be in a non stressful environments and find ways to be happy.  I the midst of everything, I didn't know how to.  Suddenly the doctor visits became intense.  My blood pressure became elevated with every appointment.  My Doctor would always give me this look, because the best friend was there and he could tell something was wrong.  Out of fear of what could happened, I assured my Doctor I was fine and wanted to go home.  He prescribed me with some medicine to help with my blood pressure and swelling and sent me on my way. 


Because of unnecessary stress, I found myself admitted into the hospital at 26 weeks with an early delivery threat.  Married or not, any woman in their right mind would never hope for their first pregnancy to go this way.  Constant stress, arguments, stressful job hunting mind racing of what people would think... Your first pregnancy is suppose to be exciting with overwhelming love swallowing you daily.  Don't get me wrong, I took the time to bond, pray, sing, dance, listen to music, and overall connect with the little guy growing inside of me.  I didn't want this innocent person to only be familiar with frustration, rage and anger sounds.  I wanted him to hear me singing, laughing, talking with joy and happiness.  Even if I faked it sometimes, I wanted my baby to be introduced to happiness.

After being somewhat in labor for two weeks, my son came into the world on September 18th, 2012.  Preeclaimpsia caused his heart rate to drop more and more, because my body was working overtime to stabilize. 

After giving birth, people came in and out to visit me to make sure I was OK.  I remember waking up to the sounds of my monitors gently beeping.  I opened my eyes chuckled at the thought of being a mother.  

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I didn't get the dramatic scene I wanted.  You know, the baby shooting out of the mother, being placed on her chest, and uncontrollable tears/emotion consuming her.  Instead there a stillness.  I opened my eyes to an empty room that night, semi-darkness, and the sounds of my monitors gently beeping.  I didn't ask for this... It wasn't suppose to happen like this...  I felt like a failure (again).  I felt like I let my son down and he just got here!  I should've controlled my environment more, I should have shut him out and went on, I should have...I should have... I should have... 


Somehow, in the midst of the storm I created and allowed, believe it or not, I started to see the sun peak through the clouds.  In between different scenarios I started to see the blueness in the sky again.  I started to tune out all the unnecessary things and fix my eyes on God.  It wasn't something that was done over night, but the little steps I made during our neonatal journey, gave me peace.  No, I didn't ask for the NICU journey, I didn't ask for  the heartbreaking days of leaving my baby in the hospital and going home; but, I got them.  God and life gave me a choice, I could continue to wallow away in it all and fall apart or I could learn from the little guy that was brand new and fight through it all.  So, I did just that.  I fought... 


The Bible says in Romans 8:28 (NIV), "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."  I found myself speaking with others in the NICU and learned what they were doing everyday with their little ones.  I helped others who were struggling with increasing their milk production.  I started to talk to God again and more.  I prayed more and looked to His hills for my help.   


I didn't ask for a rough pregnancy, but I got it.  I didn't ask for a tough delivery, but I got it.  I didn't ask for the introduction I received into motherhood, but I got it...


Whether it's a situation(s) you created with bad decisions and emotional thinking or something you literally stumbled into; please take heart, be encouraged and learn from my testimony.  You have the power to control your atmosphere.  You have the power to take control, demand certain things and let go.  What good comes from carrying toxic waste?  Tolerating people and their issues all for the sake of what?  It's not worth it.  Negativity of any kind should not be entertained not even ignored.  I believe with all my heart, if I would have let the best friend idea go and tried not to save anything, I would have went a  lot further in my pregnancy.  But then again, here's where Romans 8:28 comes into play: God gave me the plan and strategy to build my own nonprofit organization to support NICU families.  I get to use our testimony to help others in any way possible.  Which is another reason why I chose to create this blog site.  I want to share my testimony in hopes that it helps anyone that might be dealing with what I went through.


I'm sure you have a list or two of your top "I Would Never", but truth is, when LIFE shows up, for real, you don't know WHAT you would do!  No one would ever ask for heartache, hardships, drama and darkness.  But sometimes, it comes along with lessons we are called to learn.  Whatever situation you are dealing with right now, instead of harping on the idea of I didn't ask for this, count it all joy that it could be worse than what it is.  After you have your natural human response, ask God to help you.  Ask God how to move forward and for Him to order your steps.  Because in the midst of your I didn't ask for this moment, He promised to never leave us or forsake us.  He will help you get through it.


I didn't ask for this, but I'm grateful I had it...

 

Thank you for reading, please feel free to share. Published: 01/24/2018