Your Perspective Has Power

So eat lemons or drink lemonade...

The day I took my aunt to the airport, I refused to go home. In fact, we had just come from the hospital and she made me promise to go home and get some sleep. But the idea of no one being in my home with me was terrifying. I couldn’t stand the thought of it being just me. Don’t get me wrong, I knew God was with me; however, I’m talking from a natural place. You know the saying, “Sometimes silence can be so loud.” Or “I’m in my home alone and cold”. Real loneliness has a painful sound with an enormous gap that can leave a person literally freezing. If I wasn’t in the NICU, I could feel this haunting grip the moment I got off my exit leading to my home. So, I made sure to kind of never be home when they left.

When my touch times were over, and the nurses were changing shifts, I had to completely exit from the NICU. I would use that time to go downstairs to the hospital cafeteria (It wasn’t your typical cafeteria; this hospital can cook!). And if I wanted to get some fresh air, I would go to Walmart across the street and look at baby stuff. I constantly found something to do at the hospital or close enough to it, until I had no other option than to go home. As a matter of fact, one night, the loneliness feeling gripped me so bad that I left my home at 1030pm, went to the NICU through the ER (since the front doors were locked), and had kangaroo time with my son.

One Saturday, I woke up thinking, It’s another Saturday, another weekend, another trip to the NICU… I got up, jumped in the shower and proceeded to get ready for my NICU visit. It was something about that Saturday morning because my perspective switched. That morning, I left a little early and stopped by a fabric crafty store. Let me say this as a disclaimer: I am in no way at all a crafty person. I’ve never been and I don’t think I ever will be. Or at least, I will never consider myself to be one, because let me tell you—I’ve been on Esty! (hahaha) I’ve seen awesome things that real crafters do, and I am not on that level. So, being in a fabric crafty store was totally random. But the more I looked around, the more I discovered ideas. “I could make Mojo this! It looks easy, shouldn’t be hard to do, right?... Oh wait, I could place his initials on this and hang it in his area!” I allowed my imagination to expand past what I was capable of and chose to try something different. I chose to look at the good: We went through the bad but we are both alive, breathing, and there are no long-term issues. It’s just going to be a while before he can come home.

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Once I changed my mindset, the NICU days weren’t so gloomy and most importantly, I started to go home and enjoy it. My silence turned into peace. My hours changed, and I welcomed wisdom. I created a schedule that worked out for Mojo as well as myself and I found myself being content instead of lonely or sad. My mornings and evenings were dedicated to my son and my afternoon hours were strictly for me! In addition to this, I made my trips to the NICU fun. I would read, sing, decorate, and make things for Mojo. Before I knew it, I had a pretty good cup of lemonade.

The Bible says in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (NIV) I love this scripture because it encourages us on how to think. Don’t focus on your bad and everything going wrong with it. Focus on the good! I can honestly say, the moment I chose to do that, things got a little easier. It also says in Provers 23:7 “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.” (KJV) Whatever you think you are and consume your thoughts with, that’s exactly who you will be. I believe with all my heart if I would have kept that loneliness mindset, not only would I have taken that to the NICU, but I would have eventually stop taking care of myself. I had to snap out of it! Don’t get me wrong, it’s one thing to go through something but it’s a different ballgame when you go through it by yourself. I gave God my lonely moments and in return He gave me peace, happiness, and growth in Him. I prayed more, listen to God more, and chose to be happy. I stopped looking at the NICU and looked at motherhood. I stopped looking at Mojo’s breathing tubes and monitors, and looked at his hair, his facial features, his tiny but powerful personality, his little sounds, and what I wanted him to wear. I chose to look at life and our future!

Thank you for reading, please feel free to share. Published 02/16/2018

The NICU is like a speed bump. It’s random, annoying, and hurtful. Especially when you don’t see it, because you slam into it. But on a lighter note, you get over it; and eventually continue your normal speed. I encourage you to change your mindset, because your sunshine is up to you! You can chew on the lemon or simply drink lemonade…